The Gift

hun the barbarian sat by a small fire on the Plains of Murf, chewing his last fragments of meat from his Dragon joint supper. He hadn't enjoyed it very much, only being able to cook his food on medium rare ever since he dropped his 'Calu-gaz Portable Fire Elemental' stove into the River Wold (thus releasing the small demon who went about extinguishing himself in the aforementioned water course) while being chased by the dreaded Imyub Beast of Weathavain for a reason he can't quite remember.

Thun lay down underneath his rug to go to sleep, and if he had a) been awake, and b) lived on the planet Earth during the 20th century, he would have known that the large rectangular white and grey object that landed on him, about ten minutes after he dozed off, was a large 'fridge-freezer. Of course, Thun's position in the universal scheme of things at that point meant that he fulfilled neither requirement a) nor requirement b), but if there was a requirement c) being dead, thus viewing the universe from a higher point of view, which he did qualify for, then he would have known just what crushed the life out of him, because even barbarians get killed by plummeting 'fridge-freezers.

Twenty miles away in the city of Shocz, a small leaflet bearing the legend "Zanussi - The Appliance of Science" on its cover wafted into the room of the house where Elron Hub the Bard was practising on his mandolin and such a miraculous sign caused him to found a small religious sect dedicated to the worship of the sacred God Zanussi. However, that (as they often say in cliched "gumshoe" American detective narratives) is a different story, but I might just tell it anyway. On the other hand, don't hold your breath, that is unless you want to, in which case, hold away Dear Reader.

Anyway, back to the Plains of Murf. In the 'fridge (cramped, admittedly, even though the shelves had disappeared when he was pulled in) was a man called David Roberts. The piece of domestic machinery, which had brought about the untimely demise of Thun the barbarian (that is, of course, from Thun's point of view, but very few people shared this feeling), was a present to David from his parents when he moved to his new flat (I bet you were wondering where The Gift bit came in, eh?) about two months earlier. Of course it was not given as a strange travelling machine but as a cold box in which to store foodstuffs.

One day, David shut the door of the 'fridge too hard and broke the light bulb, so he went to his local electrical store and bought a new bulb then he went home and removed the bulb cover to replace the broken part. If you thought the first bit was silly then this bit's even better. Under the cover, there was a small sign which read "Inter-dimensional (and Temporal) transport device." This understandably confused David somewhat, and he made up his mind to 'phone Zanussi as soon as he had replaced the bulb. As he took the old bulb out, the shelves disappeared and David was pulled in. The next thing he felt was a rather heavy jolt as, he later realised, the 'fridge hit the floor on top of Thun.

The door swung open and out stepped David onto the grassy plains. To stop himself thinking about his surroundings, David looked at the refrigerator. He noticed that the little Zanussi leaflet that he hadn't bothered to take off the 'fridge was missing, and that the bottom of the appliance had gained about three hundred pounds of barbarian. Not wishing to ponder upon the body, he decided to look about his surroundings after all. Since it was rapidly approaching midnight, and very dark, David couldn't see too much. In view of this, he decided to lie down on the grassy floor and go to sleep, hoping that the whole thing would have gone away when he woke up.

Whether it had gone away David was never sure because he woke up again once more inside the 'fridge. He could feel a gentle rocking motion, and when he tried to open the 'fridge door he found that it wouldn't budge. After about fifteen minutes the rocking stopped. The 'fridge rolled over and there was a thud as it hit something solid. Once again David tried to open the door, "Alright, alright!", came a voice from outside.

The voice, it turned out, belonged to a rather tall dark haired man. The man flashed a gold seal at him, and after he put this strange metallic sea-going mammal away, he showed David his badge, inscribed with "King Ranulf of Shocz Police Force - Plain clothes section, PC Ahamay."

"But you're in uniform," said David, pointing out this rather obvious fact. "No, no, no. Not plain clothes as in clothes that are plain, but plain clothes as in clothed for the plains."

"Ah, I see." lied David. "Well Sir, I was rather hoping you could explain exactly what you were doing last night. I mean I wouldn't like to accuse you wrongly, but it does look as if you dropped this rather large, and doubtless not altogether light, white box on top of this other, as yet unidentified gent." "Erm, well not exactly. I was in it you see, and I sort of dropped out of the sky, I had no intention of killing anyone." "So it was mere coincidence then?" "Well, yes." "I'm afraid that isn't going to look too good in front of a court, you know Sir." Said the constable, unwittingly using a line that was to be used to exhaustion, hundreds of years after he died, in the countless policed shows that inevitably spring up whenever television is invented.

The room in which this conversation was taking place was in the local guardhouse, and it had a window which opened out onto the main street of the town (or rather city) of Shocz. It was about eleven P.M. and Elron Hub and some of his (very) newly converted friends were passing, after a night of deep theological discussion upon a Zanussi leaflet at the local alehouse. Elron chanced to glance through the window, and saw, lo and behold, the large, white Zanussi 'fridge-freezer in the room.

"By the corny plot of coincidence." muttered Elron under his breath. He turned to his friends. "Look friends, 'tis a fabled white Za535, with optional left hand fitting handles, refrigerator freezer combination unit. The town guard have it captured! We must rescue it from their evil clutches now!"

Without further ado, the group burst through the door, and with cries of "Free five year guarantee!" and "Handy drip tray!" they quickly disposed of PC Ahamay, and between them they picked up the 'fridge-freezer and trundled off down the road as fast as they could. David had no real choice but to follow, because the religious maniacs decided to set the guardhouse alight to ensure a clean getaway.

Once safely inside Elron's flat (situated above Sue Crow's Sweetmeat Emporium) the worshipers began to study the appliance in detail, treating both it and David with extreme reverence. All went well until they opened the door and the light failed to work, upon which they summarily started to smash the 'fridge up, and do much the same to David. Fortunately, the Inter-dimensional and temporal transport device had an emergency withdrawal function, and it whisked both David and itself back to Birmingham 1989, eventually becoming chairman of Hotpoint after a long period of staying well clear of all Zanussi domestic appliances.