Doctor Hugh And The Rivals

ello sir. What can I do for you?" said the receptionist of the Hotel Belevedere. Still managing a smile for the eccentric gentleman, who had just approached the counter, even after being rushed off her feet since dawn. Film making had come to Priotov and you never knew who'd be a producer looking for a new actress, she thought to herself, "This could be my lucky day!"

"Yes, hello" he replied with a faint burr to his voice "I booked a room for one for ten days."

"What name sir?" she said giving her best soap actress smile.

My name! My name is the Doctor. Doctor Who!" he said, in a way which expected everybody to suddenly want his autograph.

"Who! I'm sorry but we have no reservation under that name." she replied, losing the smile "the nearest we have is a room for Dr Hugh."

"Ah, well that must be mine. Obviously your hotel garbled my subspace communication and spelt my name wrong!" said Dr Who logically.

"I fear not Who. It's my reservation." said Dr Hugh smugly stepping out from behind a potted palm with a beautiful redhead on his arm. To the receptionist he added "These third rate actors, give 'em a vid show in the styx and they think they're famous throughout the Spiral Arm."

"You mean, he's not a producer!" 'Damn! My luck'.

"But you, you're obviously something in show biz." she purred, her smile returning.

Before Hugh could modestly reply to this, Who broke in.

"Hugh what do you think you're doing, that's my room" shouted Dr Who angrily.

"Listen Who it's not my fault my program is better than yours, gets more ratings or that I'm famous throughout the Universe while you're not!"

"WHAT!" spluttered Who "my show is hundreds of years older than yours. I was the first!"

"Yes but you're past it. I have better plots, better acting and better looking assistants." Hugh said indicating the girl on his arm "meet Clare."

Who eyed the girl up and down, went red and said "Yes but I had Leela."

"Okay I'll give you that one, but I'm right about the rest. Which room is it?" smiled Hugh.

"666 on floor 13, I'll get you a porter" said the receptionist dreamily "Can I have your autograph please?"

"Certainly. anything to please. What's your name?"

"Roxanne" 'my lucky day indeed'.

Hugh and Clare strolled over to the lift to go up to their room and Clare whispered

"I didn't know you had booked a room."

"To tell the truth I hadn't. The subspace transmitter was on the blink again. They must have garbled his subspace communication. Ha Ha Ha.". their laughter drifted across the lobby to the fuming Who.

The elevator brought them softly to the 13th floor. The doors hissed back to reveal six man-like robots pointing very efficient blasters at the Doctor and Clare.

"Dr Who prepare to die!" the central one grated.

"Er, sorry I think you've got the wrong floor" said the Doctor quickly "We must be going. Bye!"

"Don't touch that button Doctor you have caused the cybermen too much trouble before and you will not get away, now we have you in our iron grip." it sneered.

"You've got the wrong guy, guys I'm Dr Hugh and I've never met you before in my life!"

"Enough of your games Doctor, say your prayers."

Softly to Clare the Doctor said

"Quick give me your gold bracelet"

"Okay but why?"

"Don't ask questions in a time like this! Oh you cyberman here eat gold" said Hugh throwing the bracelet straight at the cyberman's respiratory system. It hit directly in the centre, went clang and fell to the floor.

"You are behind the times Doctor. Owing to the universal inflation rate we are now immune to gold. The only thing which can harm us is a substance known as coprovorilluim which is so rare, none of the experts have heard of it. Especially since I just made it up!" explained the cyberleader.

"What a stroke of luck" exclaimed the Doctor "But I happen to have a piece of coprovorilluim" and reaching into his jeans pocket he drew out a small bean shaped pebble and held it alofy. "Back up you cybermen or I'll let you have the cop."

"Don't think you can fool us Doctor, that is no more than a piece of carbonated silicon which has been eroded by water action" said the cyberleader laughing into his mailed fist.

"That's where you are wrong, I'm afraid" and six beams of intense light spread from the pebble to the cybermen. Who slowly started to smoke and then collapse smoudlering to the the floor.

"Well dome PbAl, you got all six." praised the Doctor.

"Affirmative Docotr, but I had a 99% chance of success in the situation" replied the pebble.

"What's that Doctor?" asked Clare. "A microised computer and defence circuit built into ore and it doubles as a lucky pebble in all other times. Ah our room is down here" said Hugh leading the way. "What a lovely suite, I must congratulate Who on his choice of room. Could you phone room service to get something to eat up here and then phone the studio to tell them I'll be in tomorrow for the audition."

Clare did her shoes and when she had finished turned to the Doctor with a pout on her lips and a foxy look in her eye. The Doctor reached across the large silk clad bed and there was a knock at the door.

"Tarnation!" said the frustrated Doctor getting up to go to the door "Damn room service I bet!"

It wasn't. It was four large metallic creatures on rollers with three wicked looking projections all aimed at the Doctor.

The Doctor shut the door and leapt for the bed and his sonic screwdriver. The automatons on the otherside looked at each other and then tried to open a smooth door knob with a set of pincers without much success. Their gas guns had no effect on the door as well, although a passing bell hop did quietly suffocate in a corner. The daleks, for that is what they were, had a whispered conversation and then skimmed across the floor and out of a door. The clattering and banging that follows tells of their fate as the door swings closed to reveal the legend "STAIRS".

The Doctor thoughtfully stared at the door and mumbled to himself.

"It would appear that someone is out to kill Who, his arch enemies have been tipped off. Obviously someone thinks he might get the part. In addition that someone or something might think I will get a part hence my arch enemies would have been tipped off. Or alternatively it's all coincidence, which I very much doubt. Come Clare let's get some sleep, they've obviously gone" he said reaching for Clare and switching the lights low.

The Doctor stood in the ruins of the audition hall. Wreckage of filming equipment littered the floor and the scores of laserburns decorated the walls. there were bodies; Dr Noo and Dr Wu. Noo's legs had been sliced of at the sporran by a laserbolt, he was still alive, barely. Wu's body swung gently to and fro suspended from a sound boom by a greenish wire. His body mutilated in the traditional way of the Warnerites. The Doctor, with Doctors Who and Loo behind him rushed up to Noo, who gasped out his last painful message before he died.

"Och they were waiting for us! Hidden behind the equipment, the Warnerites and the wee Maysons from Complan III. We never stood a chance!"

"This clinches it Doctors someone's out to get us" said the Doctor "But the show must go on, I suggest we search the area and nullify any of our enemies together. Agreed?"

"Agreed?" the other two chorused.

The three Doctors slowly and methodically searched the building. The wee Maysons were found in the canteen and dissolved in the coffee peculator, whilst the Warnerites were de-chipped using a subatomic computerised inflation analyser. And then their luck ran out. Loo while he mopping up the remains of the Maysons was seized from behind by his arch enemy the Escargot from Suppyanddemandius V, there was nothing but slime remaining when the enemy reached him. The Escargot escaped down the ventilation network of which the complex abounded. The remaining Doctors looked at each other and continued the search. Doctor Who narrowly missed death and the hands of an entity named the Master but he was forced off.

Then Doctor Who turned to the Doctor and said with a suspicious tone to his voice.

"Don't get me wrong Doctor but why have none of your arch enemies turned up? Very suspicious if you ask me! You must want the part very much!"

"Don't be ridiculous!" replied the Doctor and started to walk away. Doctor Who swung his umbrella at him catching him on the shoulder. The Doctor ducked, turned around and lashed out catching Dr Who on the nose.

"That does it!" exclaimed Dr Who and he stalked off clutching nose.

The sound of a thunderous laugh bellowed out from the doorway to the Board Room. There resplendent in the cast-offs of a thousand actors stood the Doctor's arch-enemy, the Economist.

"So your friend has left you Doctor and I must tell you he was right or at least partially. I summoned all the arch-enemies so the other Doctors would die or be scared off, then you and I would be left with the movie. What do you say Hugh?" boomed the Economist.

"You foul fiend, if you think I'll let you get away with this you're wrong!" retorted the Doctor "I didn't come here without some insurance. I've already bribed the directors, I've got the part and I act alongside Samantha Curvature, who's the evil Queen Keynes and you'd look stupid in a dress!"

"Curses foiled again! But you won't live to enjoy Curvature, look behind you and meet death. Ha ha ha ha ha!" ranted the Economist.

The Doctor turned around with terror and beheld the horrific Economy Spawn of Ctholera, the Glutinous Mounds from the Monoploid Zone and the Animated Vatmen. Fortunately owing to the recent universal collapse of the lead market, the Doctor's mass injection of lead into the economy had devastating results upon his malicious foes. However there were so many, would the lead supply hold up?

"Cut, cut" shouted a small balding man in an effeminate voice "Come on loves, can't you put some more feeling into it, these nasties are trying to rend you limb from limb love!"

"What!" the Doctor replied stupified, his foes milling about in aimless confusion as scene hands shepherded them back to their starting positions.

"The film, love. He's simply marvellous up to now, very realistic, but please more feeling" came the effeminate boom.

"Aarh" cried the Doctor as the Economist had sneaked up behind him and buried 7« inches of cold steel into his back. The Doctor turned round and kicked him right where it hurt, then darting down he seized the Economist's wallet and pulled out a pink card and started to rip it up.

"Gah?" gasped the Economist.

"You forget, all Economy lords, in order to achieve economies of scale have two sets of nearly everything, so your knife merely took out my first liver and my other in the strategic liver reserve came on line. In addition I've just ripped up your equity card, you'll never work in the films again. Now I'm off to string up the film director!"

Blowing the smoke from his sonic screwdriver the Doctor turned and sauntered out of the studio leaving the Economist sprawled in the dust.

All over the multi-verse people got up from the seats and left the cinemas. Most of them wondering why they'd wasted good money in propping up the decline of the film industry.