Fred and the Carrot

nce upon a time there was a guy called Fred and he was a hero. One day he was walking along the road in the middle of a forest, when out popped a large, pink carrot.

'Hello there, nice day, isn't it' said the carrot.

Of course Fred was surprised, as can be expected as carrots in this part of the forest are generally thought to be impolite and unsociable. So, trying to hide his astonishment Fred replied 'Hello there. Yes is quite a nice day here. Could you tell me just one thing.'

'Why yes, of course,' replied the carrot all eager to answer Fred question.

'Why are you talking to me ?' said Fred.

'Well that's an easy question to answer. It all started many years ago when I was a small boy. I wasn't a carrot then but a little boy. You see, and not many people know this, but I have not been a carrot all my life!' Fred gasps, the carrot-thingy continues 'That's why I am pink you see, people coloured not carrot coloured, anyway I always wanted a brother or a sister so I went out looking in the gooseberry bush ... mummy and daddy always told me not to do that and that's where it happened OH! that fateful day when ... as I was walking through a field of gooseberry bushes, looking under each one in turn, trying to find a brother or sister, and not having much luck, I can across a small green diamond shaped metal thingy. I looked at it and then picked it up. Once the small green diamond shaped metal thingy was in my hand there was a bright flash of light, bright yellow it was and lime green smoke filled the air. After several minutes the smoke cleared and I found my self in a large room. It looked like the inside of a castle, as the walls were made of large blocks of stone. In the room there were several large beds, each contained seven or eight beautiful naked (pervert) (who me ?) (yes you) (why ?) (naked, naked ... always naked) animals, of every sort. But I thought it very odd that they were not wearing any clothes. They looked at me as strangely as I looked at them. Where was I? I looked across the room and in some cages, this is the frightening bit ... oh, I am sorry ... do you really want to hear all this?'

The carrot looked at Fred, who was taking rather a long time in realising that he had to answer a question. The carrot gave Fred a little kick.

'Ow, oh er ... yes yes go on I am enthralled'

'Where was I ? ...'

'In some cages' Fred said without needing to be kicked this time.

'Oh yes, in some cages were naked people eating green things. It was very odd and very frightening. I was very scared. Just then the door opened and a long row of dancing others came in the door all gyrating their hips and wiggling their legs. They were followed by many beautiful naked females. They went over to the beds, totally ignoring the fact that I was there and got into bed with the animals. After about two hours they got out of bed and went out of the room the way they had come. Except this time they were too tired to dance. Not quite knowing what to make of what had just happened, being a small little boy you know.'

'Yes I understand,' Fred winked at the carrot.

The carrot was not too impressed with this unsaid comment from Fred, and pulled out his baseball bat and swung it at Fred's head, just missing it by a fraction. Which is not bad for a pink carrot with no limbs. Anyway back to the story ...

'Sorry, sorry,' said Fred in his most apologetic voice.

'Right then. Where was I ... oh yes, I went over to the cages with the naked people in them and asked then what was going on.

'Oh it happens twice everyday,' said one of the occupants.

'Yes but what was happening.'

'Those poor girls you saw are under the spell of a nasty turnip. He hates people and is constantly forcing them to do things that they don't like. Like they make us sit in these cages and make those poor girls do that thing in the beds.' At this point they winked at one another and I found my self wishing I had my baseball bat. But I did not and I was none the wiser.

As I was about to ask them more about the turnip a great gong sounded and in came a turnip. It was being pulled along on a big trolley thing and I thought it must be dinner time but then from somewhere a mouth appear and started to shout orders!

'Well, you can imagine how shocked I was!'

'Oh Yeah' said Fred, obviously very interested.

The carrot had not expected an answer to his/its rhetorical question. After thoughtfully playing with the handle of the baseball bat it/he continued.

'And I was even more shocked when the turnip pointed at me and said "Oi, you carrot, what are you doing?" At first I did not know who it was talking to as at the time I was not a carrot, as I explained. Eventually I piped up

'Excuse me Mr Turnip Sir, but I am not a carrot!'.

The turnip replied 'You bloody well are ..........'

I felt a strange feeling creeping through my body. First my feet moved together and then they started pressing tight together. I looked down to see that my feet had become one and had turned a slightly horrid shade of black, and it was creeping up me legs until it reached my head which turned a bluish white with long leaves on the top, you know the colour of mould, (Fred nodded his head), well that was the colour of these leaves, which fell down over my face.

'What is the meaning of this,' I cried

'You are now a carrot. I would have thought that was obvious!' 'OK I can live with the carrot bit, but what about the colour. I was quite partial to being pink.'

'Well then you will be.' And with that the black carrot turned pink. Without the use of legs the carrot fell over on to its side.

Just then I realised I was doomed to a life as a carrot ... now, do you see why I am a carrot?'

'Oh yes,' said Fred.

'Good, but what do you think of it?'

'Well, you have adjusted rather well ... and I suppose its not all bad being a carrot, I mean ... now you know what a salad must feel like when it is the only food left on the table at a party.'

With this Fred fell about laughing. The carrot, or Wilamina to his/its friends, did not take kindly to this joke at his expense and so beat Fred liberally about the head with his/its baseball bat until the laughing stopped, for ever.

The End.