Part Eight?

nce upon a time, there was a little street, in the poorer end of town. This street was a narrow street, with doorways down both sides. There was no pavement just the muddy ground with a gutter running down the middle.

About halfway down the street, there was a small doorway with a plain wooden door, which had seen better days, it had a large gap at the bottom and a few of the planks, which made up the door, were warped.

Behind this old wooden door, lived an old man and his granddaughter. He had lived in this house ever since he was a little boy and had spent many happy hours and days with his parents, but that was in the past, and now was the present.

His granddaughter was fourteen and very pretty. One day the old man was cooking dinner, when the girl came running in though the door, gasping for breath. He noticed that her right arm was missing and that blood was spurting out from the stump.........

Being a loving and caring grandfather, the guy was naturally filled with wonder as to why his only beloved granddaughter should return home on an otherwise normal day minus one little, but significant limb. With much trepidation he enquires.

"Where the fuck is your arm? How the hell I am supposed to marry you off quickly and easily? OK, so you can scrub floors and wank the guy but you could not carry him into the house when he was drunk, could you?"

The girl after thinking about this for a while replied "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHH -it hurts granpa".

She bound her arm and tried to get the shabby cat that lived with them to press directly on a pressure point in her neck but it was to no avail. Eventually she gave up and lay on the floor to die. Her grandfather took one look at the helpless girl bleeding to death on the floor and shook his head in disgust.

"Sodding women, think she could bleed to death outside so that I wont have to clear it up" and banged the door shut on his way out.

"Actually, maybe the red would go with the light yellow and carrots that I am going to bring home after this rip roaring night of liquid lubricant for the old tickling muscles!" Then laughing heartily to himself as he strode without a care for his progressing years, piles or dying granddaughter.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, well the room was so dirty it could have been a farm, the girl, Meg, lay and tried to resign herself to her fate. When just then what should appear but a magic stick insect. Poof, as if by magic, well actually it came by being attached to someones cardigan and the magic smoke was really a strategically thrown handful of dust, but the truth is sooooo boring! Anyway, the point is that it was at least a magic stick insect, called usually "Argh...a bloody creepy crawly is on my shirt" but never mind, everybody is loved by someone. This insect seeing the plight of the poor innocent girl waved it's magic left little toe and covered the stump in a kalin poltis which sealed the arteries and stooped the mess. .......

Seeing that her wound was healed, Meg got up and looked about for what had caused her sudden recovery. Walking around the room, she didn't see the stick insect on the floor, near the door, and stood on it !

Not being able to see or hear anyone she started to think of a way to pay her grandfather back for his total lack of caring towards her sudden impending demise.

There was always the baseball bat which he kept under his pillow. Yes that would make an interesting red pattern on the walls, to match the red pattern on the floor. But how would she swing the large and heavy bat with only one arm ? This was not one of her better ideas. Oh well, she would have to think of something else.

Just then there was a knock at the door. Knock, Knock. Walking towards the door, she opened it. "Yes, can I help you?" Only then did she realise that there was no one there. This was most odd, as she could have sworn there had been a knock at the door. But may be she was hearing things. Then she realise that the door was still shut. She had opened it with her missing arm, which wasn't there so the door was still shut ! She tried again, this time with her remaining arm. "Yes, can I help you ?" She looked out into the street, to see that it was completely empty. There was something wrong here, but what ? She closed the door and walked away. Just then there was another knock at the door. Knock, knock. She returned to the door and opened it. But still there was no one there.

She was just about to close the door when her heard a faint voice. "You horrible person."

"Who said that ?"

"Theres no need to shout, I can hear you perfectly well."

"Where are you ?"

"At your feet, you stupid girl !"

She looked down to see a stick insect on the floor, by her feet. "Well what do you want ?" she demanded.

"You are going to die. You just killed my only mate, and you are going to pay for it."

At this Meg started laughing, so much so that she fell over and hit her head on the door frame and killed herself.

"That will teach her" laughed the stick insect.

Meanwhile in the local inn, her grandfather was getting plastered......

Now the local pub, was the sort of place that you find in the middle of a cheap and nasty horror film ( You know what I mean, like the one in American Were Wolf In London ), well there stood grandpa quietly getting plastered, well quietly was the wrong word for it. He was singing, shouting, falling over, well I don't have to describe it as most of you have probably lived through the same experience yourself.

Anyway back to the story, where was I ? Oh yes, now as Monty, for that was his name, was getting pissed, he failed to noticed that he was standing beside Jesus, well if he had noticed he wouldn't of cared anyway cos thats the sort of guy he was, so he ordered another seventeen pints for himself and put it on the slate, quite happily thinking that he can sell his daughter to the white slavers that lived next door to him, so distracted by this thought was he, and why he never had thought of it before, that he failed to notice as Jesus performed a miracle ( one of the lesser/unknown ones, it was the getting served at the bar first time, one), anyway Monty's body decided to perform it's own miracle, which is more commonly know as the 'getting home pissed throwing up and eating a curry' well would you believe he managed it and arrived home to find his granddaughter on the floor next to a baseball bat, hummm strange he though, and emptied the contents of his stomach over the whole scene, after that he felt strangely better, then came a knock on the door........

"I don't want any knocks on my door" said Grandad so he brushed it off and it fell to the ground making the sort of sound that a knock makes as it falls to the ground.

As it hit the ground with the sort of noise that a knock makes as it hits the ground it turned into a very very very handsome frog. "Well F**k me sideways with a barge pole" said Monty (as you do)

"Rivet" said the handsome frog.

"You turned up a bit bloody late didn't you," said Monty. "How the hell do you expect her to kiss you and turn you into a handsome prince now she's lying dead on the floor" (or flour as it says in the previous part of this epic (better even than Gone with the Wind )).

"Rivet" said the handsome frog ( he liked to hold riveting conversations).

Monty was getting very irate he looked out the window and watched a tall womans head pass in front, he knew she was tall because he was on the 5th floor. (Very old gangster joke eh!). He didn't hear her coming up the stairs though ( probably wasn't that type of girl). Then he heard a knock on the door.

"Oh for God's sake not another bloody very bloody very bloody very bloody handsome frog" said Monty ( it's a very bloody story this is )............

"Oh no. I'm not another bloody very bloody very bloody very bloody handsome frog," came the reply through the door, leaving behind it a large hole.

"Well who is it then ?" he called back.

"I am The Countess Cruella, and I am here to kill the frog."

"Oh well in that case, you can come in. It's no good to me."

The door opened before the countess and she glided into the room, leaving the door open, she look around the room in search of the frog. There in the corner, just by the skirting board was the frog. It was a bit of a strange frog, as frogs go, as it was all inside out. The legs were on the inside and the guts were on the outside. All very strange thought Cruella. But Monty thought nothing of this it was the bright yellow and green of the frogs lungs.

Cruella was dressed in a long flowing gown, made of a deep rich purple velvet. She looked stunning, so stunning that Monty thought he should go and sell some orange juice to the local Martians.

Cruella slowly moved towards the frog lying on the floor ..........

Well what is the fate of the frog going to be, fortunately I don't know, instead this all about Monty and the orange, it came to pass, that in the land where they lived was a great castle made from oranges, and the lord master of this castle, was know to all as Bert.

Now to sell orange to the Marions, Monty would need to have some oranges to get the juice from, and as we all know oranges decompose, so Bert having a castle full of the things needing all the oranges produced to rebuild parts of the castle that were rotting away. Bert was also known as the meanest B*****d for miles around (and the only one with oranges) Monty decided to nick some, so later that night.

A dark figure crept up to The Castle of Oranges and very quietly, started to remove oranges from the base of the walls, what he had failed to realise was that the first orange he pulled was the Keyorange, the one held the whole castle together, and as he pulled it out a low rumbling began and slowly grow louder, until finally it was as loud as a jumbo jet taking off.

Whoops poor Monty buried alive in quite a lot of oranges, what will he do next, I wander.....................

Well out poor trepid adventurer was lying under all this fruit thinking how he could possibly get out alive. There was nothing for it he thought, I'll have to eat my way out. So putting his head to the floor, he began to eat at the first orange that came his way.

Meanwhile back on the fifth floor, Cruella was getting rather close to the frog. How was not enjoying the experience, too much. Then with a sudden rubbling the whole house began to tremble. First this way and then that. The floor boards began to spring up from the joists. The one on which the frog was not too happily resting, suddenly sprang up hurling the frog through the air.

The frog again not to pleased at this sudden turn of events, went smack into the mouth of Cruella. With the sudden shock of being kissed by a frog, Cruella fell over and banged her head on the floor, knocking her out, stone cold.

After several minutes the rumbles died down and the house returned to its normal stationary position, although it was now several miles from where it started. Curella began to mumble in her unconscious state, smoke began to issue from her ears and her started to foam at the mouth. The frog quite liked this, it was something new to tell his grandfrogs about.

She then began so twitch and convulse over the floor towards the door. This was getting a little too much for the frog and he made a mad dash for the now open window, jumped out and landed in the gutter, just ahead of a bucket of sloops.

Behind him, back in the house .........