The First Adventures Of Custard Man And Secret Squirrel

hese are the initial chronicles about the worlds newest and strangest super heroes. And lo it was upon a time when there were no heroes to champion the cause of leaks, sheep and the Welsh way that mild-mannered (not if he reads this) Tom Dawkins shared an office with the evil genius S Bird. One day after a particularly unsuccessful day in the labs making a new concoction made from custard extracts S Bird stormed out leaving our hero in the labs to clear up. Unbeknown to him some of Bird's Custard (TM) had dripped into his machine coffee. Drinking the coffee (some people never learn) Tom suddenly found himself with strange powers beyond his wildest dreams. Custard rays would shoot out of his eyes when he thought of the river Dee, he could hear superbly through the thickest of custard and was able to eat four shredded wheat. And lo for ever afterwards he was to be known as Custard Man and people would yells is it a Bird's, is it plain, yes it's Custard Man!!!!

Tune in next week for the first adventure of Secret Squirrel and his new partnership with Custard Man da da daaa!!!

These are the continuing adventures of Custard Man and Secret Squirrel. To find the true story of the beginning of one half of Wales' most famous super heroes we have to travel way back in time to a period even before Bridget Wilcock was born, to that far flung country of Egypt. Here in the year 121 AD the high priest Halfacree (he hadn't earned the right to full cree due to a misdemeanour with a camel but we won't linger on this point) was in the Temple of The Sacred Squirrel Rolf (may he live forever and make the 'sun arise' with strange musical instruments) where he was putting the final touches o the new health bar that the young Egyptians of the day could eat with full realisation that no bacteria or disease on earth would come within 50 miles of it. And lo upon testing this marvellous creation a remarkable metamorphosis, and a change as well, took place, the once tall proud man was now a six foot squirrel with remarkable powers. Of course upon realising the potential of his new creation he went into mass production wrapping them individually in a wrapper with his place of birth 'JORDAN' and his date of birth on it '1 NOV 91'. But unfortunately before he could mass market, his temple with him in it was demolished to make room for a multi storey pyramid and the secret, the temple and his collection of coloured sand was lost forever. Or so it was thought.

But lo (a good word I can use a lot without thinking very hard) a few years later a cousin of this dead loony was seen digging on the site of where the multi storey pyramid should have been built if there hadn't been the great Jordan Street collapse. He found what he was looking for to complete his collection but he also discovered many strange wrapped dried things. On first seeing these, he sphinx to himself, arh the mummified remained of the great squirrel kings, and took them home with him to his hovel.

In 1991 a certain descendant of this large prawn received through the post several packages!!!!! After 1990 years many people, in his family, had written strange and lunatic graffiti upon these ancient relics but the contents remained untouched. Simon, for that was his name, was currently on a needless diet and thought, arh these look tasty (he was a bit short sighted as well) and devoured one. Upon which he transformed into the squirrel of old. He found he had wondrous powers of leaping large lettuces in a single lurch, climbing tall bonsai trees with only slight fatigue and doing the Independent crossword blindfold. He soon realised the potential of this and dreamed of the day when he could track down a cereal killer and any other nut case loose on the streets of sinister St. Mellons. And lo (there it is again) due to a strange quirk of geography he teamed up with that other masked marvel of the age, Custard Man, to form the most notorious (and useless) super duo to be found in all Wales.

Tune in next week or when I find some time for Custard Man and Super Squirrel vs Prune Girl at a computer near you.