The Times - 14th September 1888

PROPHECY OF WORLD DOOM

Robert Lees, the astrologer to the Duke of Beaufort, yesterday predicted the end of the world. In an in-depth and frank interview the noted mystic claimed to have been in communication with an ancient demonic force, named Jahbulon. In these chats Lees learnt that the demon planned to destroy the world with an immense fireball in order to be free once more.

These so call prophets have in the last few years become more prevalent, helping in the moral decay of our society. Old ladies are conned out of their last pennies by these bloodsucking charlatans. A new bill in Parliament is designed to curb the excesses of these mediums through the means of an ombudsman. Fines and even imprisonment will punish any crook caught defrauding unsuspecting people, preying on their sympathy.

However any medium who passes a rigorous Home Office examination will be granted a licence to practice the art of astrology.

NINTH PLANET DISCOVERED ?

Scientists working from Greenwich observatory believe that they have discovered another planet in the Solar System, outside the orbit of Neptune.

Certain gradational effects on the orbit of Neptune lead the astronomers to conjecture about the existence of another planet and so after months of careful study through their huge telescope they discovered the tiny planet. A fourth of the size of Earth, it is probably ice covered due to the large distance from the Sun. As yet the planet is unnamed, although there is speculation that it will be called Pluto, after the Roman god of Hades. An apt name for one so far from the Sun's rays.

VIOLIN SCANDAL IN SOHO

Graeme Courage, the famed violinist was yesterday discovered in the bed of Lady Bushmills, by the enraged Lord Bushmills. The Violinist was propelled through a second floor window after a brief struggle with the Lord.

Mr Courage who has often delighted crowds with his flamboyant performances, has also been known as notorious womaniser and philanderer. This time, for he has been involved in brawls before, he received treatment for a broken leg and cuts to the head. Lord Bushmills is currently in police custody and has been charged with assault and battery.

E.N.W.P. BRAINWASHED POLITICIANS

Following an investigation by Special Branch, it was revealed that the E.N.W.P. has been using a device to brainwash their political enemies. Liberal politicians and Polish leaders are among those who are thought to have been subverted by Dr. Shade.

The police are also investigating reports that the E.N.W.P. have been using a hired assassin to kill those who they could not use their brainwashing machine on.

Dr. Shade the party leader has disappeared into the teeming masses of London's East End. It will be a difficult job for the police to track him down. It is known that groups have offered substantial rewards for his capture.

Liberal Party spokesmen are calling for tighter controls on political parties in future, to prevent other unscrupulous people doing it again. However the Government has called this impractical, owing to the difficulty in actually tracing victims.

GUNFIGHT IN KENSINGTON

Police were called to a villa in Kensington early Thursday morning after a report of shots and screams. On entering the house they discovered six dead bodies. police believe he fight was gang related, because all the bodies appeared to be those of Dockers and lightermen. Police are investigating links with the E.N.W.P. and they expect several leads should prove to yield an explanation of the matter.

NATIONAL FAVOURITE STOLEN

Dr. Thirsty, the favourite for the Grand National next year was stolen from his guarded stable last night.

Stable boys made the rounds at 10 O'clock and again at 11 O'clock. In between the horse had been spirited from his box, nothing was heard during the entire time.

It is suspected that the horse will either be ransomed or put out to stud, in order to produce in secret a race winner.

MARIJIPOOR OF YOUNIS ARRIVES IN LONDON

The Marijipoor Younis arrived this morning to start a series of talks with the Colonial Office. The Marijipoor wants help in his struggle against the despotic Oenotrian Empire. The evil empire is set upon total domination of Mars. The feeble resources of Younis are unable to cope with the hordes of Oenotria alone. Therefore he is asking the only power capable of matching the Oenotrians on Mars, the British Empire.

A separate trade agreement will also be signed during the course of the talks.

The Marijipoor's son accompanied his father to Earth in order to attend Eton School.